Bad TV Ads

GREENVILLE, MISSISSIPPI — NEW HOPE FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH

Man, that is great news!

CLEVELAND, OHIO - NORTON FURNITURE

What the hell did I just spend the last 30-odd seconds watching?

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA — LOWELL “THE HAMMER” STANLEY

This site needs a good lawyer commercial, and so here’s Lowell “The Hammer” Stanley and his ridiculously hilarious green-screen footage of cars just getting demolished.

About half the footage is race car crashes, and there’s a couple out-of-focus shots of vehicles slamming into pedestrians. I guess in cases like those I would indeed deserve “100% OF ALL THE MONEY!”

Also, what’s up with the guy’s eyes being closed for about half the ad?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — AMERICA’S FURNITURE & BEDDING

First of all, they really need to wear shirts. Customers usually like salesmen who wear shirts.

Secondly, I’m pretty sure wearing the American flag as a cape while shirtless and saying “Captain America be the man” is on the “no” list for proper flag care and etiquette.

In fact, this commercial contains numerous violations of the United States Flag Code, as listed in 4 U.S.C. §8:

(d) The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery;

(i) The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever;

(j) No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform.

But I suppose I should have expected nothing less from a YouTube video entitled “Worst Furniture Commercial Evar.”

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — VERN FONK INSURANCE

Why in God’s name would you ever buy insurance from this guy?

Extra points for the Stormtrooper helmet, though.

MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA — FLEA MARKET MONTGOMERY

You probably know this one already — it’s the “just like a mini-mall” rap one. God knows how often it was actually on Montgomery television before the Internet and the Ellen DeGeneres Show catapulted Sammy Stephens into a kitsch legend. 

Even given the hype, it’s still a pretty funny commercial. Stephens parks his self-consciousness and shame and delivers a gold-standard rap that’s about as professional as a Wesley Willis single. 

But my question deals with the slogan “it’s just like a mini-mall.” What’s the target demographic of that slogan? People in an income bracket too low to be able to afford mini-mall prices? That’s like saying my sandwich shop is “just like, it’s just like…Arby’s.”

I can see Stephens writing this song after hearing a guy rush in and yell at his wife, “Bree-Ann, get the kids out this flea market! We done won the lottery and is goin’ to the mini-mall!”

SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS — THIS IS IT FURNITURE

The “free onion” line (repeated at the end of every This Is It Furniture commercial) is reason enough to add this video. But the repeated, puzzling breaking of wood planks to emphasize the great deals is really hilarious. It makes it seem like the guy tore a showroom sedan chair to pieces while touting its values to a customer, then he continued to break it into further pieces when the cameras started rolling.

The awkward cut from when they first start breaking the wood is genius, and it makes it seem they’ll continue to break that wood even when the scene is over.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — EAGLE INSURANCE 

Eagle Man: the pride and shame of early- to mid-’90s Chicago television.

There are significant zoological questions raised by the commercial, such as how a seemingly male eagle can lay an egg. I’ve decided, though, that it’s probably best not to explore such questions too thoroughly. 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — EASTERNS AUTOMOTIVE GROUP

It goes without saying that Eastern Motors commercials are legendary in the D.C. area. Just try and get that Spanish-y trumpet loop out of your head — seriously, you probably should, as its addictive effects only grow stronger with time.

This just one of many Easterns commercials featuring a legion of local sports stars (this one includes a seemingly tranquilized ‘Melo Anthony). LaVar Arrington really gets into lip-syching the song (the thumbs-up seals the deal), and I respect that.

But my favorite is still the female receptionist, whose main purpose appears to be to convince you that when you call about buying a used car, you’re actually joining an impromptu dance party restrained only by the requirement that she talk to you. I’m pretty sure if that jingle was really played repeatedly in the Eastern Motors call center, it would constitute a severe violation of numerous labor laws, the Geneva Convention, and the UN Declaration Of The Rights Of The Child.

Finally, what’s up with those people washing a fire engine? Why is that the default still photo before you play the movie? ”Fire engine” is about the only type of vehicle not listed in the song.